i just heard about someone i knew dying. i didnt know them well at all, but he knew people who i did know well. he had found the love of his life a couple of years ago and moved to canada to be with her and then she came to live with him here. he fell ill and died this morning. such a cruel blow. guess it got me thinking about a lot of things, not out of grief or anything. like i said, i didn’t really know the guy. but he seemed like a good dude and he was a fixture on the scene in my life here in glasgow. a devastating blow to his family and friends. i can’t even imagine. i guess it is the third person who i have known who has passed away in the last year. the other two i was close to and affected me in deeply personal ways, as i am sure anyone who has lost someone can relate. but like i say, it got me thinking; it is weird cos, if i am being honest, i am probably at the worst point in my adult life right now. nothing is going right for me at all. it fucking sucks. i can joke about it and laugh it off, and i do. cos yknow, what else are you gonna do? experiencing real poverty for the first time. the kind where you don’t have enough money for food, even. not every week has been like that, but there has been a few and they do seem to be getting more frequent. i cant get a job. all my friends have drifted away. well, not all but most. my creative life has ground to a halt. i see people i know who used to be confidants and friends in their times of trouble find love and new pastures and great things happening to them. i see people going back to school and gettting their dream careers off the ground. i see my sister buying a house in canada for $2,000,000. she bought it in cash. i don’t resent people any of these things, but it just shows the sharp contrast in their lives to my own. and knowing that my own situation is all my own doing makes it even more demoralizing. but, and this is a big but…seeing for the first time how easily life can be taken away this last year - 2 by the own hand, one by illness - it has made me realise how lucky i am just to be alive and even tho things suck, i still get to wake up in the morning. even if i am waking up alone and poor.